My tears, My heart

Tuesday, 23 June, 2009 at 14:27 Leave a comment

As always, when I’m feeling in a runt or like the world inside my heart is falling part, I always turn to these:
my wonderful girlfriend Dara, Music, Dew, and VigiGames.

Let’s talk about Music, since -besides Dara-, it’s the one I love the most. <3
So I’m thinking of renaming my blog for a while. Why the change?

Well, quite simply b/c “for the future” has be my sentiment for all the years I was in the Army. Originally, when people would ask me “so why did you join the Service?”, I would reply with all kinds of great reasons. Reasons like: “To serve my Country”, “To experience the world away from home”, “To grown and mature as a person, and as a Man”, or “To have money for college to pursue my dreams.”

After a while though, my distaste with the Army began to grow and these reasons seemed to fall away. -_-…
I replaced them with more selfish and less significant reasons like: “To escape my hometown”, “To be my own Man”, “To chase a fleeting dream”, “To have a life of my own”, “To try something new and adventurous”.
These reasons were really just a guise to cover my deep feeling of unsatisfaction with the Army, and my life there-in (although, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, not including the pending doom of being shipped over and dieing for my Country overseas….)

So again, I had to rethink myself and how to answer that question; b/c, as always before, that question would rear it’s ugly head time and again. So I begin to think long and hard about it. I really did some soul searching and I came up with it. Wow, I thought, the reason was always there right in front of my mind: “for the future”. Everything I had ever done up to that point, was only for MYSELF and MY FUTURE- no one else. I didn’t really have dreams per say, but I had goals and desires. I wanted that Great American Dream. HA. Yeah, I know it sounds foolish, and I never would’ve wanted such I think when I was a boy. Actually, I used to say that I would “never be that foolish”.

So the American Dream. What is it, and what does it mean? Well, to each their own and, as with this, it is such. It means a different thing to each American. For me, I wanted an enjoyable, well-paying, and challenging career. More that anything, I wanted a job that would make me FEEL GOOD about what I’m doing, and not like some worthless fucking prick, just grinding my nose for a few American greenbacks.

Secondly, I wanted a nice house; nothing huge, just 2 floors and a few bedrooms. I wanted a nice car. Again, nothing fancy, just something cute, charming, and with four seats and a working engine. And I wanted to live in a nice place, ANYWHERE, with green trees and no dangerous streets; NOT a big city.

Lastly, I wanted, ABOVE ALL ELSE, to find that amazing woman of my dreams that would unlock this heart of mine, fill my life with love, and my house with children. ^_^ Is that too much to ask? Just a few little things? It’s not hard to believe that most American spend their ENTIRE life forever grasping and clawing…just trying to achieve such a wonderful Dream…

So “for the future”, was more that just a heart-felt self sustaining logo- it was a promise to myself that I would make it through the Army, and that I would never give up on what I really wanted. Easier said than done. Ah, is the mind of the naive young person…

Lately though, I don’t really seem to think about or even care as much about those things; not as much as I used to at least. You see, my heart is drowning is grief and filled with longing just to be with her; just HER. If I could have HER, would my entire perspective about life change for the better? Would everything “Be, alright”? “Be, Ok”? Maybe. I hope so. I have faith it will. I really want to get my mind, and my life, back on the track to the future.

But yet another day has passed, and I’ve made no progress today. It’s been months and the warmth of her touch has been fading away. I can’t feel her around me anymore. I can’t feel her so strongly in my heart. I only feel the sadness and tears of missing her. Even tough I know she’s there, my heart is just rain is mourning her absence. And that feeling has grown so strong that I can’t see to get over it anymore- I can’t seem to push those feelings back down inside me. It’s…it’s consuming…more so that I even felt before.

So why am I so weak? …I suppose that what’s TRUE LOVE does to a man. When you feel as if you’d give your own life, just to protect hers… that’s when you know, there is no turning back. That is the feeling that drives a man to want to be with HER, forever. And forever b/c, there is no reason to resist such a strong urging feeling- there is no reason to do otherwise. There is no room anymore for anything, but LOVE- just LOVE.

Therefore, until that day I can hold her hand again, this space in my heart with be called “Ashita e no Namida” – “Tears for Tomorrow”.

Although I thought up all this laying in my bed late one night, it’s not surprising to find that there is already a Japanese song by that same name. And, it’s a newer song linked to an anime. I couldn’t find an actual PV for it but, you can listen to it on imeem, via the link below. =D This song will make a nice theme for now…

Tears for Tomorrow – Asu e no Namida – Mami Kawada

Here’s an English translation, although slightly complicated (as usually with Anime songs :P )

That star looked at me in it’s never changing way
and gently shed it’s steadily twinkling light
on my profile crouching on the ground,
woeing for a tedious dream

Because tomorrow I’ll lift a small burden on my back,
turn into a bird and take flight into the wilderness

Flying in the headwind, the place I’m heading for
(If I look up I can see it far away…)
can still turn into a star that I’ll reach someday
Flinging away the teardrops blurred into my eyelashes
(Together with my overflowing feelings…)
I go forth to continue my journey that will not end

Because I had too many important things
and I couldn’t choose between them alone,
I clung to meaningless conversation
In the twilight hours when loneliness poured over me

Because tomorrow I will meet my true self
and turn into a wind that’ll blow out towards the wilderness

Amidst a floating dream, the singing stars
(In a time that I can’t keep up with)
are revolving on the sky of eternity
When I flip away with a finger a tear that fell on my cheek
(A falling fragment of a dream)
it rises up to the sky, turning into blue light

Because tomorrow I’ll pick up my torn wings,
turn into a bird and flap ahead towards the wilderness

Flying in the headwind, the place I’m heading for
(If I look up I can see it far away…)
can still turn into a star that I’ll reach someday
The things that are pushing me on are this small hand,
(The answer that I found when I got there)
the dreams I threw to the grand skies
and the tears for tomorrow

(If I look up I can see it far away…)
(Together with my overflowing feelings…)
(In a time that I can’t keep up with)
(A falling fragment of a dream)

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Entry filed under: Music, ~announcements.

see ya next Tueday eh eh eh new kawaii-radio!

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